Scumbags

So, if you are here, you are probably wondering why we should love my good old pal, Hank. You might have been asking yourself this for several months, years or decades but have never found the answer you’ve been looking for. Well, here I will give you all the reasons:

HE DA GOAT

According to online dictionaries, Hankenbert Buffberry is a dirty or a despicable person, like Gru. Common nicknames include Gary, Barry, Harry and Salmon. I once knew a guy called Salmon and he set fire to old people’s feet if they walked too slowly. He most definitely deserved the title of Hankenbert. What a legend.

ROCK AND ROLLLL

To make you love him even more, let’s delve into the history of the Hank. Ooh, a fancy little history lesson to spice up this article! Well, it all started in 1735 when Hankenbert Buffberry (the sexiest man on Earth) met the first ever scumbag…

[Please read to the voice of David Attenborough]

Chapter 1

“Hankenbert! Why do you smell my skittles all the time? I heard that if you do it often, it will lead you to develop nasal cavities!” He said.

“Shut up you small scumbag!” Said Hankenbert.

After a moment of Hankenbert verbally abusing the Scumbag, they whispered sweet nothings into each other’s ears like lovers. It was quite a heartwarming sight to see the scumbag smile as it was rather uncommon. 

“My name’s Peter,” whispered the scumbag, “and I like your hair.”

Hankenbert looked shocked. Peter? He had heard that name somewhere before. 

“Peter who?” He asked while looking deeply into the scumbag’s eyes.

“Peter Frickface” he replied.

Hankenbert fell to his knees and bellowed out cursive words. It can’t be real, he thought. It was too much to take in. 

“What is it Hankenbert? Why are you screaming like that?”

Peter Frickface’s eyes began to water as he saw Hankenbert curse on the ground. For a moment, Peter thought he had found a friend; but he was wrong. 

“YOU CALLED MY MUMMY A CRIMINAL!” yelled Hankenbert once he had finished cursing.

The scumbag looked perplexed as he gradually absorbed the troubling information. It did not occur to Peter that Hankenbert’s mother was also Peter’s nemesis. 

“I’m so sorry Hankenbert! I wish I had known that you were her son!”

The scumbag stroked Hankenbert’s hair as he silently sobbed onto the pavement.

“GET OFF ME YOU SCUM!” he cried out.

Peter hesitantly pulled back his hand and looked up at the sky as it began to drizzle. He suddenly wished that Hankenbert’s mummy wasn’t such a bum so that they could be friends. 

“It’s not my fault Hankenbert! Your mummy insulted me first. She said that I looked like Harry Styles!”

Hankenbert pulled his hands away from his face and turned his head towards Peter. His mouth dropped open and shut again as he whistled the theme tune to Thomas The Tank Engine. Peter joined in on the chorus.

“Can I call you Hank?” Asked Peter.

“Not until you tell my mummy that she ain’t no criminal.”

Peter observed as his hands moved up and down in an odd robotic movement. 

“I am a robot!” Yelled Peter as his body began to vibrate alarmingly quickly. His lips then began to twitch at such speed!

Hankenbert stood up off the ground and stroked his fingers down Peter’s ear lobe.

“You look so darling tonight, gorgeous!” Said Hankenbert as he followed the speech by a flirtatious giggle. 

Peter stopped vibrating and his lips stopped twitching. He then began to recite the bible in Japanese. Once he had finished that, he pulled off his left shoe and handed it to Hankenbert.

“Take this. I must go and find your mummy and tell her that she ain’t no criminal. If you need me, spit into my shoe and I will appear before you in no time!”

“But how will you walk with one shoe?”

As a way of replying, the scumbag hopped off into the distance while humming the national anthem. He was feeling very musical tonight. 

Hankenbert sat in the middle of the road as his clothes began to soak with the rainwater. His thoughts were banging against his head like an angry badger trying to work his way out of a very strong cage.

Chapter 2

The scumbag found a house that resembled Hogwarts. Apparently Hankenbert’s mummy was a real Harry Potter fan. He crawled into the house on his hands and knees as his legs kicked up and down as if he was swimming. Why would Hankenbert’s mummy leave the door open like that? It was considerably odd.

“Mummy?” Cried out Peter.

His voice echoed across the long hall that stretched out beyond Peter’s view. Was anyone home?

“It’s Peter! I met your son today! He was a lovely chap! He stroked my ear lobe as I told him I was a robot.”

The moment was dragged on by further silence. Shadows loomed over the scumbags crippled body as he proceeded to slither across the floor in multiple jerky movements. 

“My circuits are broken!” He yelled.

A tall stretched out figure clambered down the spiralling oak stairs a few moments after Peter’s body resumed its vibrating process. 

“What is a handsome chap like you doing wiggling on my floor like that?” The figure asked.

A candle flickered in her hands to reveal her warty face in the midst of the darkness.

“Mummy?” Asked Peter.

The woman recognised that the vibrating thingy on the floor was actually Peter and she dropped her candle in the moment of realisation. It landed on her toe.

“Eeeerrhhh eeeethh!” She screeched as her toe caught alight. 

Peter grovelled to the kitchen sink where he pulled off his last shoe to fill it with water.

“GRAB MY SHOE!” He yelled.

The woman rapidly snatched it from Peter’s hands and poured the clear liquid over her steaming toe. It smelled like roast meat. 

“I hate you Peter!” She cried out in her strong Scottish accent.

Peter started to bawl.

“I’m so sorry mummy! I shouldn’t have called you a criminal! You ain’t no criminal!”

Mummy watched as Peter threw his puny fists onto the ground in pure rage and remorse. She immediately stomped down the stairs and twirled like a ballerina. Before she knew it, her phone started playing a music album by The Sexy Pigeons and she pulled it out of her pocket. Hankenbert was trying to call her.

“Hallo Hank! Long time no see!”

“Mummy! Is Peter with you?”

“Yes darling. He’s having his moment.”

“Are you okay mummy?”

“Not really. My toe is barbecued. Would you like to try some? It smells rather scrumptious!”

“Yes please mummy! You can post it to me!”

“Can you buy it first using PayPal?”

“I fookin hate PayPal mummy. I only use Barclays.”

“Then you can’t have my toe!”

Mummy hung up on her son.

“What was that all about?” Asked Peter. He had now calmed down.

“Hank only likes Barclays! It’s preposterous!”

“Fix my circuits! Mummy walked over to where Peter lay sprawled across the ground and she sat on his face. She pulled out her solidified cactus crumbs and began to cut into Peter.

“Eeeerrhhh eeeeth!” He screamed. The pain was excruciating. 

“Sorry, love”

Minutes later, she taped the scumbag together again. 

“Blimey! That was a shocker! How did you learn to do that?”

“I practiced taping together some blokes that were malfunctioning in my basement.”

Peter looked impressed. She was smarter than she looked.

So, that was the beginning, and also the end. The small Scumbag and Hank’s mother had hundreds of children after resolving their argument, which spread the scumbag population further. It is what it is.

[ Hankenbert Buffberry can be found on Urban Dictionary: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hankenbert%20Buffberry ]

He is known for wearing clothing that are loose enough that, when you bend over, your butt crack is so visible that someone can look into your butt tunnel and see the last meal you’ve eaten. He’s also a regular contributor to cocaine or heroin. Or better, he takes both! Remember kids, don’t overdose! Another top tip, don’t take yellow cocaine as it is actually powdered urine. How they turn urine into powder is a mystery to me, but anything is possible.

“He tattooed a germ onto a baby’s head, and laughed.” – Moe Lester

It’s fungus time!

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, I WILL ADD IT TO THE Q&A BELOW! THANKS FOR READING 💩

Q&A

What’s the author’s real name?

Lizard Milk 😉

Is Hankenbert Buffberry still single?

Yes, yes he is! In fact, if you’re interested, his number is +44 3749 732990. Give him a call! He’s looking for a super hot guy with a nice set of abs, yellow toenails and someone who wears dentures. My type of guy too, obviously.

If I have any more questions, who can I ask?

Just ask Hankenbert, the number is above. He should be able to get back to you within a couple of days.

Are there any charities supporting scumbags in need?

There is the Dust Particle Foundation, founded in 2016, by a group of students. They have raised 200,000 dust particles for scums in need. If you would like to donate, message Hankenbert!

Where can I buy a fermented egg?

Your mum.

Are there any kind of restrictions towards becoming a scum?

This is the beauty of scuminess! There’s no restrictions; you can become one whether you’re a little lad or an old man. You can become one whether you’re male, female, trans, binary, a caterpillar or a sausage roll. It’s for everyone of all religious backgrounds, ethnicities and blah blah whatevs. You get what I mean.

What’s a doo doo?

You’re an uneducated finger-tickler.

Where is Hankenbert Buffberry Chapter 3?

Good question. Probably in my head somewhere but I can’t be bothered to write it down.

Where did you get the idea to post an article of this topic?

I delved deep into my desires, and this was one of them.

Where is Hankenbert Buffberry now?

Last I heard, he was eating sauerkraut in his bedroom whilst watching Harry Potter.

Will you write a whole new website just on Hank?

Seriously, what’s your obsession with this guy? I mean, I can if you want – but he’s a pretty basic dude (no offense Hank, if you’re reading this).

Is mummy actually a criminal?

Probably, she did hoard a lot of malfunctioning peeps in her basement. I’m not sure if that’s legal. Either way, it still offended Peter Frickface.

Will you make an Urban Dictionary page on Peter Frickface?

To do it or not to do it? That is the question.

UPDATE: I have just added an Urban Dictionary definition of Peter Frickface, link coming soon!